Dr. Robyn’s Corner: When Someone Else’s “Logic” Overrides Your Dreams
When I was in grad school, I was invited to spend 5 weeks in Italy on an internship at an international business school. It would have easily been a $10K investment, which I had, so money wasn’t the issue.
I was excited about it, too.
My grad school mentor was going, and it was sure to be a great adventure. My heart’s desire was to teach and travel internationally and *that* experience would have kicked things off in grand style.
But then I went home and started to have a conversation with my partner about it. (It would still be years before I met my husband).
My partner at the time was a tech guy, someone who made sense of the world in a logical, rational way - and I thought at the time he served as a good counter-balance for my free-spirited, intuitive approach to living.
But why I would have had this conversation about going to Italy for 5 weeks to advance my career, and expected something different than what I experienced, is beyond me.
It’s still one of my greatest regrets - and I’m actually fascinated at how quickly I acquiesced my dream to someone else’s logic.
The conversation went something like this:
Me, stepping into his home office, standing in front of his desk: Hey! Good news! Barb invited me to go to Italy for 5 weeks this summer to work at the international business school with her. I’m super excited. It’s going to be an expense but I’ve figured out a way to make it work.
Him (sinking back in his chair): 5 weeks. That’s a long time to be gone.
Me: Yes, but it’s really a chance of a lifetime to get to coach international business students on leadership. I’m really excited! (now a little deflated at his lackluster response)
Him: yeah, but it just doesn’t make logical sense to be gone that long. You can’t do everything that your mentor invites you to do. You definitely should take a pass.
Me: walks out of his office, deflated as I let his words over-ride my dreams: …
… and that my friend, was the end of the conversation.
Soon after, I told Barb I wouldn’t be able to go. And that was that. She said nothing, but I could tell that she knew what had happened.
In hindsight, I would have done a couple of things differently.
First. I have made my decision before setting foot into his office.
I would have advised of my decision, not sought his approval.
I would have shifted from the energy of trying to convince him that 5 weeks away would be a great experience for me and my work, to confidently advocating for what I knew in my heart was the best path for me to take.
In the end, I didn’t go that time, and I can still feel the disappointment in myself for losing out on what would have been a remarkable experience. Later (after I broke up with the tech guy), I spent several years coaching, teaching and traveling in Europe, and was even invited to return to the international business school to teach mindfulness practices. But those experiences have never really made up for the one I missed out on.
Now over to you…
Here are some thought questions for you to apply to your own life:
1. (How often to you seek someone else’s approval to go for your dreams?
What happens when they say no?
2. How often do you let your own logical mind over-ride your hopes and dreams?
3. How often do you tell yourself that what you desire makes no logical sense, that you should “just stay home.”
Here’s the thing:
Your dreams, your intuitions, your desires do not always make logical sense, especially to the ego, that’s invested in maintaining the status quo above all else.
My partner, as it turns out, foresaw the end of our relationship, as I spread my wings and grew in new directions.
He told me later that he didn’t want me to go because he knew that when I returned I would have changed too much to be able to stay with him.
Well, as it turns out, I changed anyway.
I grew anyway. And soon, I outgrew the relationship all together.
My decision not to go to Italy that year didn’t stop the relationship from ending, it just delayed the inevitable.
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