Do You Stay or Do You Go?

Hey everybody, Dr. Robin McKay here and welcome to this week's episode of Mindset Rx. So happy that you're here, and I appreciate your understanding that I had to cancel yesterday. I wasn't feeling well, and I was reflecting on that actually because I've worked from home, for the most part since 2002, when I was working in the pharmaceutical industry as a medical writer, a clinical scientist, I lived in Kansas and my offices were in San Diego, and so I spent a lot of time online ever since then, and while I've been back in the office periodically over the years, I really have gotten an appreciation lately for all of us having the same experience of being at home, because in the past, if something went sideways at home, what kinda the unspoken encouragement was is just pretend like it's not happening, you don't want your colleagues to know that anything is going sideways in your life, you need to show up and do your work and be an awesome contributor regardless of what's going on in the rest of your life. Well, if the last 18 months haven't taught us anything, I think that one thing that I've taken away, and I know a lot of my clients have too is, how important it is to give each other grace for just the daily stuff that comes up in our lives.

I have a sick puppy, we've got a plumber downstairs going on, my husband's working and he's had tech problems with his job today, so there's just all of this stuff going on, and yet, not just me, but all of us are expected and we want to actually show up and do our best work, and yet we're constantly being challenged to do so. So that's a little bit of what I'm gonna be talking about today. I wanna welcome you, if you're watching live, say hello in the comments, I'll watch those coming in, sometimes they lag a little bit, so if I don't see you live, I'll definitely respond to you afterwards, and if you're watching the recording, please let me know that you're watching I would love to know what you're taking away from our time today. And so today, the big question that I'm gonna be talking about is, should I stay or should I go? And this is part of the great resignation that has been sweeping the globe, people making decisions to leave their organizations to pursue other dreams. Ms. Holly is here, I just saw your's pop up, and I'm just gonna interrupt myself and say hello to you.

This great resignation is... It seems like it's happening at every level of leadership, whether it's an individual contributor, all the way on up to top leaders in organizations, and I have a theory about why that's happening right now, and I'm sure you do too, from your ultimate experiences, but I wanna take some time and share with you some things I want you to consider if you're thinking about leaving. And before you actually pull the trigger on that, because there's a lot to consider, I think, and not that you would be impulsive, but I think it's really important to be mindful at this time as you're pursuing what you wanna do next.

So as we do on every mindset Rx. Let's go ahead and take a few deep breaths, breathe in love and grace, breathe out everything that doesn't serve you, and notice your hips in the chair, pull your shoulders back and down, just allow yourself the gift of being present here and now. Set aside everything else, I know we are masters at multi-tasking, but give your brain a break for the next 15 minutes or so, and really come into focused attention so that you can actually give yourself an opportunity to change your perspective, your mindset. Let go of some of the business, let go of some of the competing priorities, just for a few minutes, push back everything else and allow yourself to have the space and time to be here now. So one more deep breath in and let that go. And we'll get started. And as we get started, I wanna say to you, at the end of our time today, I have a special invitation for some of you, so if you can stick around and listen to the invitation, that's great. If you can't, that's fine too but I think that if you're here and you are paying attention to this question of, should I stay or should I go, you'll be interested in hearing this invitation I've got coming up at the end.

Alright, so let's talk about first, the reasons I'm seeing people are saying, I think I need to find something different. Some of them are obvious and in the work that I do with high-level leaders in tech and healthcare and FinTech and so on, what they're saying to me are things like, "I can get paid more at another place." They're saying, "I keep bumping up against the ceiling and there's no place for me to go in my current position or in my current company." And they're also... So those are some more superficial reasons that we've always had happened, I think throughout history, but the last 18 months has also kind of changed how we perceive our role at work, so the emotionally intelligent leaders are the ones who are saying, "What's the point of all of this? And is this really what I want to be doing for the rest of my life?" They're also asking, "What's next?" They might be feeling bored or a little bit out of sorts, unchallenged, and especially frustrated with leadership if what they're asking for continues to fall on deaf ears, and I know that this happens pretty frequently that the leadership sometimes has their hands tied or sometimes they push back against really legitimate and appropriate request for transformation within the corporate space.

And there comes a point, I think, in every leader's life when you have to really assess why you're doing what you're doing, and you might even have had that sensation of, "Ive had it, I can't do this anymore." And I wanna talk about that sensation for just a second, because this is something... I think I started reading about this almost a year ago, people started talking about surge capacity, and usually when you think of surge capacity, you think how much the hospital system can handle of a certain type of person or a certain illness or whatever, and so we've had that surge capacity happen with the pandemic, of course, with the hospitals recording that, but actually humans have a psychological surge capacity, and that has to do with the fact that we as humans are wired for stress to withstand stress, uncertainty, disaster, catastrophe, fires, tornadoes, pandemics for a short period of time. Our brains are not wired to sustain a long time exposure to any kind of stressor, we need a break, and our brains need a break. And what has ended up happening for a lot of us over the last year and a half is that we really haven't had a break. It's been a roller coaster.

I've been saying for several months now, I feel like I'm in the Hunger Games and I'm just waiting to find out what the game masters are gonna throw at me next, and maybe you feel that same way too, regardless of the motivation or the causes of these experiences that we are having collectively and individually, one thing I know for sure is that everybody has a place where we reach our end point, "I can't handle it anymore." We say, "I'm sick of this." We say, and that's actually the nervous system and actually the heart's response to the ongoing and chronic stressors that we've been facing. So that's surge capacity. It's the psychological, mental, emotional, and even physical capability of enduring stressful situations. It's meant for short-term and we have been using our surge capacity for a long term, so you're gonna expect that you're gonna run out of gas at some point. And it's the running out of gas, the burn-out, the compassion fatigue, the crisis fatigue that creates the conditions for these existential questions to arise, the questions of what's next, and this is all there is, and what's the point of this? And where can I actually go and make a difference? And maybe I should quit my job and start my dream business, or maybe I should go find an organization that really aligns with my values and is actually living action of my values, rather than just speaking action or speaking into my values.

So when you reach the point where you've cracked open the surge capacity and you're like, "I've had it, I can't do this anymore." The next thing the brain is going to do is say, "Okay, since I can't do this anymore, what do I do?" As high achievers, we almost never take breaks, we almost never do a reset, instead we look for, "I need to go somewhere else, I need to do something else, I need to get out of here." The problem is, when we approach this question of, Should I stay or should I go from the perspective and the experience of burnout, of having reached your surge capacity limit, you're making the decisions from a burned out, tired, exhausted, I'll take anything perspective. And you're not giving proper credit or honoring your heart's mission, that thing inside of you that you know that you're meant to do, that's calling you. So I'm curious to see if that's landing for you all, and if it is, if you can just post some comments and let me know, how does that... How do you relate to that? And again, whether you're watching live or watching the recording, I'll come back in and respond to you, so before you take off, before you go do your next thing, I want you to consider three things, and these are things that I coach my private clients on to look at as they're making what I'm calling their transition from career to calling.

From career to calling, and that actually is where a lot of people are right now, you may not know it as that, but I wanna label that when you're asking, "What's next? How else can I contribute? I want a new challenge." That's actually your heart's calling, calling you forward, so it's important to pay attention to that, and it's equally important to not be impulsive about where you're going to place your attention next. So consider these three things. I want you to consider your relationship with money. And there are three actually, and they're all intertwined. So let me just finish this with money, time and work, these are the three important relationships that should go into your decision-making model as you are moving through this period of, Should I stay or should I go? 

So with money, money touches everything in your life, and even though maybe you have a relationship with money that says, as long as I have enough, I'm not gonna really pay attention to it, it doesn't really... Wherever you are with money, maybe you check your accounts everyday, maybe once a quarter, once a year, I don't know. It is really important before you make a move to really look money in the eye, look at your retirement accounts, look at your savings account, look at kind of how money is playing... What role money is playing in your life, and what role you want money to play in your life in the future. Alright, so look at money for sure, don't bury your head around that aspect of it, especially if you're thinking about, "I'm gonna quit my job and go the entrepreneur track and start my business as a consultant or a coach or anything like that." You really need to know, you really need to know your money story well. Okay, that's number one. Number two is you've gotta change your relationship with time and really look at... As you change it, you have to look at your relationship with time. And let's talk about that for a second, because from the time we're little kids, the first time we ever get paid, it's usually for doing something that took a certain amount of time.

When I started babysitting when I was 10, I think I got probably paid $1 an hour or something like that to babysit my siblings and my mom's friends when they would go out for a glass of wine, and so I knew that my service was worth a certain dollar amount per hour, and those early programs that we all received as children follow us, even as top leaders, there is still a sense of, I'm exchanging dollars for hours. Even if you've been paid by salary for many, many years. In fact, I find that with the high achievers who I know and work with, there's almost a sense of, "The more I make, the harder I have to work, the more I make, the harder I have to work." So sometimes there is... When you're making the decision to stay or go, there can be a compromise around, even if I don't get paid as much, as long as I don't have to work as much, I'll be happy with that.

So take a look at what's your relationship with time, Are you a slave to your calendar? I was talking with somebody in tech recently, who is a leader, and she said... First of all, she said, "I feel like a slave to my calendar." And then she said, "Knowledge workers, like you all who work in tech and FinTech and medicine and so on, knowledge workers get paid to think, and yet we're in the busyness set, we're always busy, so it's hard to think and be busy at the same time. So at some point you've gotta break that cycle of busyness, which is part of your relationship with time." So what's your relationship like with time? Consider that.

And then the last thing I want you to consider when you're making the decision to stay or to go. Is your relationship with work? I mean, when we think about work, everybody has... Most people aren't independently wealthy, so we have to work. But I think that when we're looking at work, sometimes we're looking at something I have to do, it's a duty, a responsibility, an obligation, rather than what it's actually meant to be which is a contribution, something that allows you to activate and to experience flow, something that allows you to make the best possible contribution that you can based on your knowledge, ability, skills, talents. And the point I wanna make here is that when you look at your relationship with time, money and work, if you don't ship those into something different than what they are and you move to another position, no matter how great the position seems, no matter how optimistic you are about the new organization, it's the age old truth, wherever you go, there you are, you're just doing a geographic. And eventually sooner, probably rather than later, because you're already a little bit burned out and crispy around the edges, you're gonna start doing the same things you did at your last company, overworking, grumbling about being too busy, not having enough time to think, to strategize, to recommend, to plan.

And you're gonna be over-working because you've got to somehow justify this big salary that now you're earning what's probably more than what you were making at your last company. So rather than solving the problem of... The existential question of, "What do I do next? And how do I contribute?" You just put yourself back in that old pattern of behaviors and thinking and actions that got you to where you are in your current job. So my number one piece of advice for you when you're answering the question, Should I stay or should I go, is actually this, are you willing to do the inner work to shift your stories and your relationships with money, time and work, so that you can actually have a fulfilling experience in whatever you decide to do next? Whether it's to land in another organization, whether it's to go out on your own as a consultant or a coach, whether it's to be a plumber in my garage, which you can probably hear drilling. I don't know what you wanna do next, but I do know that unless and until you change your relationship with time, money and work, you're gonna recreate the same situation, the same scenarios that you're dealing with right now.

Okay. So there's good news, bad news in that situation. So that's my best advice for today, I'm going to continue to be talking about the relationship with burnout and surge capacity, existential questions around work around contribution, that's my jam, that's the thing that I'm here to do for you all right now to make a contribution, to inspire you, to actually take care of yourself, to heal what's inside of you so that you can go out and make the contribution that you know that you're meant to make and to really make that transition from your career to your calling. I hope you've enjoyed this episode. I'm so glad that you were here with me. I'd love to know your number one takeaway, so pop those in the comments as well, and if you remember at the beginning of the broadcast, I said I had a special invitation for those of you who are really wanting to get some additional support or to understand what is going on with me in terms of what my next steps are for my job, and that's actually what I do a lot of with my private clients who work with me and also with organizations as well.

One of the things that I always recommend to start with is to really understand your personality because your personality holds a lot of clues to your relationship with time, money and work, as well as what your actual capacity to withstand the surge is, what your capacity to withstand and endure the stressors, the ongoing uncertainty, that is housed in your personality. So I love to start with people's personalities, and I have a special opportunity for you to just work with me privately one-on-one for 90 minutes to have a deep dive conversation into your personality. There's an assessment that I give that I can because of my credentials as a psychologist, and it really puts you in a powerful position to understand yourself a little bit better and to start that process of making the shift from career to calling and understanding especially, where am I with that surge capacity, and how can I take care of myself so that I can not just keep going and certainly not just survive, but thrive and create the future that I most want to experience for myself and for my family and for the people who come after me.

That's all I have for you today. If you want to get in touch with me about doing that assessment, why don't you just private message me in LinkedIn or if you're watching this from the email, just hit reply to the email and we'll give you that information about how you can get started with that assessment. Alright, thanks so much for being here and I will see you all next week.